Saturday, August 23, 2008

Urgent warning to Rapture participants

This is an urgent warning to all Christians who wish to take part in the rapture!

I received a fax machine from God this morning with this dire warning. It turns out the process that will be used to lift the bodies of all good Christians away to heaven has a slight side effect. It turns out that it is VITALLY IMPORTANT that you DO NOT have any food in your body when the rapture occurs. You must make sure that prior to the rapture you have gone at least 12 hours without eating. Since the rapture could happen anytime now -- even while you're reading this or as soon as tomorrow, or it might not be for months or years, it is VITAL that all good Christians STOP EATING immediately.

The consequences of having food in your body are SEVERE. If there is any food in your stomach or intestines, said food will explode and your body will be ripped to shreds, and you will not complete your trip to Heaven. If you care about your eternal salvation, then, you will abide by this warning. PLEASE! Stop eating now and do not consume ANY food from now until the Rapture.

Below is the official press release. This was written by the PR firm in Heaven.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -- HEAVEN --
THE GREAT HOLY GOD HAS JUST BEEN INFORMED BY THE MAKERS OF THE "RAPTURE 2000 HUMAN TRANSPORT AND SUCKING VEHICLE" THAT THE OCCUPANTS OF THE VEHICLE MUST NOT HAVE FOOD IN THEIR STOMACH. TESTING PERFORMED BY THE HOLY GOVERNMENT CONSUMER REGULATORY AGENCY HAVE CONFIRMED A PROBLEM WHEREBY THE HUMAN CONTAINING THE FOOD WILL BE DESTROYED AND UNABLE TO MAKE IT TO HEAVEN. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THEREFORE THAT ALL PARTIES INTERESTED IN BEING TRANSPORTED TO HEAVEN DURING THE RAPTURE MUST HAVE NO FOOD IN THEIR SYSTEM. PLEASE ABSTAIN FROM EATING FOR AT LEAST 12 HOURS PRIOR TO RAPTURE. DUE TO THIS PROBLEM, ALL CANDIDATES FOR RAPTURE WILL FIRST BE SCREENED FOR FOOD IN THEIR SYSTEM. ANY CANDIDATE FOUND WITH FOOD IN HIS OR HER SYSTEM WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO ENTER THE RAPTURE 2000 HUMAN TRANSPORT AND SUCKING VEHICLE AND WILL THEREFORE BE LEFT BEHIND. PLEASE NOTE FURTHER THAT BECAUSE OCCUPANTS PARTAKING IN THE RAPTURE WILL UNDERSTANDABLY BE QUITE HUNGRY UPON THEIR ARRIVAL TO HEAVEN, FREE DOMINOES PIZZA WILL BE AVAILABLE IN THE LOBBY OF HEAVEN IMMEDIATELY ADJACENT TO THE KIRK CAMERONtm PICTURE AND AUTOGRAPH BOOTH.

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7 comments:

Agnostic Anarch said...

Sweet! I gotta pass this one around!

Jeffrey Mark (author, Christian No More) said...

Please do! Send it as a link, though, so they'll come here. :-)

Alceste said...

Hey! Always in the market for new ideas for solving the food crisis - this is a great one! If the fundies would just stop eating there would be more than enough to go around.

Jsyn said...

I don't think alot of the overweight christians will make it to heaven after all!
I've visited 100's of churches and more than half were overweight.

Very funny, Jeff!

Jeffrey Mark (author, Christian No More) said...

Jsyn, that's an excellent point, and I'm surprised that the creators of the transport device didn't think of that either, that too many overweight people could load the thing down and keep it from launching!

Aspentroll said...

Wow, I'm glad you got this warning out in time. I will immediately go into production of shit proof wear.
It will be similar to rain wear only it will have an anti-odorant in the fabric so we won't have to continually say "Holy Shit", after the "rapture" has started. The streets will be messy but we will endure.

Mike said...

Wow. Have a little respect for other views than your own.