Since God told George Bush to kill Saddam Hussein, and God told Saddam Hussein to kill George Bush, why didn’t we lock the two of them in a room filled with weapons and let them fight to the end, since that’s obviously what God was trying to tell us?
And speaking of what God was trying to tell us, you have to admit, God’s a pretty bad communicator. I mean, here we have this guy who wrote this massive book called the Bible, but it was apparently so badly written that he had to then hire millions of people called preachers and priests who spend every single Sunday, week after week, year after year, trying to tell us what God really meant when he wrote the Bible.
Geez, you would think that if he’s a god he could do at least more than a half-assed job at writing a fucking book. For God sake.
Sphere: Related Content
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Christ Crackers: Get them while they're holy!
A year ago, I found a website where you can order those communion wafers they use in Catholic church services. I ordered a big bag of them and printed up a label on my computer and stuck them on the bag. Now whenever I have Catholic friends over, I can break out the Christ Crackers and serve them up with a bit of wine. The Catholics love it! Why, one of them even broke out his own item (holy water) and sprayed it at me. Damn did that burn.
So I took the idea to a marketing expert, and he helped me find a place to manufacture the crackers ourselves and turn it into a huge product. He felt the name didn’t stick, and instead suggested Jeezus Peezus for the smaller wafers, and for the bigger wafers, Chunks-O-Jesus.
Once we grew the company, we started noticing a common complaint, that the Chunks-o-Jesus and the Jeezus Peezus were not staying crispy when dunked in various liquids such as wine or milk (or a mixture thereof). So we reformulated the product and then introduced our latest brand that stays fresh even after wine-dipping, called Crispy Christ-ees.
And what can I say, these are a huge hit. People everywhere are trying to get their hands and tongue on the yummy tasty body of Jesus.
Chrispy Christ-ees. Save Yourself (a trip to the grocery store and order them online today)!
(c) copyright 2008 Jeffrey Mark. Copy at your own risk, as ye shall burn in hell, oh heathen.
Sphere: Related Content
So I took the idea to a marketing expert, and he helped me find a place to manufacture the crackers ourselves and turn it into a huge product. He felt the name didn’t stick, and instead suggested Jeezus Peezus for the smaller wafers, and for the bigger wafers, Chunks-O-Jesus.
Once we grew the company, we started noticing a common complaint, that the Chunks-o-Jesus and the Jeezus Peezus were not staying crispy when dunked in various liquids such as wine or milk (or a mixture thereof). So we reformulated the product and then introduced our latest brand that stays fresh even after wine-dipping, called Crispy Christ-ees.
And what can I say, these are a huge hit. People everywhere are trying to get their hands and tongue on the yummy tasty body of Jesus.
Chrispy Christ-ees. Save Yourself (a trip to the grocery store and order them online today)!
(c) copyright 2008 Jeffrey Mark. Copy at your own risk, as ye shall burn in hell, oh heathen.
Sphere: Related Content
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The Jesus Fallacy: A Parable
The principal sat down with the high school seniors and explained the way graduation would work. He said:
"Some of you worked very hard in school and got all As. Some of you were on the varsity basketball team and helped take our school's team to the national championship, where we won. Some of you worked hard in the after school programs where you went to the local homeless shelter on the weekends and helped feed the poor people and tutor their children in math and English so they could one day be productive, happy members of society. Some of you led paper drives to help raise money for charity. Some of you went to the scholar competitions and took first and second place, demonstrating how much you learned. A couple of you even got perfect scores on both the SAT and ACT! And now, graduating is upon you."
The students who accomplished all these were smiling.
"But," said the principal, "there's more to life than that, my students."
Susan, the valedictorian and president of the honor's society, asked, "What else is there? We definitely want to know where else we can excel in life. After we graduate, we want to be the best citizens our country has ever seen. Please tell us. We want to grow."
The principal smiled and said, "I care so much about all of you, I want to give each and every one of you a chance to succeed in life. And therefore, I am making this one final requirement for graduation. With this one final requirement, any student who did not perform well in school will then have the opportunity to graduate with high honors. And anyone who did well still must complete this final requirement, or he or she will not graduate at all."
"And what is that?" asked Bill, the straight-A student who led the paper drive and was also the star pitcher on the baseball team.
"Simple," said the principal. "My son graduated from this very school, and in order to graduate, you must simply think my son was pretty cool."
The class was silent.
"But sir," said Susan. "We never met your son. How can we think he was cool? And why would that matter?"
"Indeed," said the principal. "My son graduated five years ago and so none of you met him. But you must think he was pretty cool or you won't graduate."
Some students decided to accept the gift of graduation and agreed that the son was pretty cool. Others questioned whether the son even existed, and, even though they got perfect grades and performed well in all activities and helped the community, were denied graduation.
Now come on. Does that REALLY make sense? But that's EXACTLY what Christianity is claiming: All the good deeds in the world won't help you; in the end, all that matters is that you accept God's son Jesus as Lord. Sphere: Related Content
"Some of you worked very hard in school and got all As. Some of you were on the varsity basketball team and helped take our school's team to the national championship, where we won. Some of you worked hard in the after school programs where you went to the local homeless shelter on the weekends and helped feed the poor people and tutor their children in math and English so they could one day be productive, happy members of society. Some of you led paper drives to help raise money for charity. Some of you went to the scholar competitions and took first and second place, demonstrating how much you learned. A couple of you even got perfect scores on both the SAT and ACT! And now, graduating is upon you."
The students who accomplished all these were smiling.
"But," said the principal, "there's more to life than that, my students."
Susan, the valedictorian and president of the honor's society, asked, "What else is there? We definitely want to know where else we can excel in life. After we graduate, we want to be the best citizens our country has ever seen. Please tell us. We want to grow."
The principal smiled and said, "I care so much about all of you, I want to give each and every one of you a chance to succeed in life. And therefore, I am making this one final requirement for graduation. With this one final requirement, any student who did not perform well in school will then have the opportunity to graduate with high honors. And anyone who did well still must complete this final requirement, or he or she will not graduate at all."
"And what is that?" asked Bill, the straight-A student who led the paper drive and was also the star pitcher on the baseball team.
"Simple," said the principal. "My son graduated from this very school, and in order to graduate, you must simply think my son was pretty cool."
The class was silent.
"But sir," said Susan. "We never met your son. How can we think he was cool? And why would that matter?"
"Indeed," said the principal. "My son graduated five years ago and so none of you met him. But you must think he was pretty cool or you won't graduate."
Some students decided to accept the gift of graduation and agreed that the son was pretty cool. Others questioned whether the son even existed, and, even though they got perfect grades and performed well in all activities and helped the community, were denied graduation.
Now come on. Does that REALLY make sense? But that's EXACTLY what Christianity is claiming: All the good deeds in the world won't help you; in the end, all that matters is that you accept God's son Jesus as Lord. Sphere: Related Content
Creation implies WHICH creator?
I have a question for the creationists. Please explain this to me.
You like to use the argument that a creation implies a creator. If you see a watch, the watch must have had a creator. If you see a painting, the painting must have had a painter. Thus you claim, "The universe exists, so clearly there must be a God who created the universe."
So my question is: If you claim that argument to hold for the existence of God, then please explain to me why, logically, the "creator" must have been specifically the God described in the Christian Bible and not, for example, some other creator that we have no knowledge of, or something equally random like one of the Egyption gods?
Further, here are some things to consider: If two molecules in outer space randomly bump into each other and a chemical reaction takes place, do you feel somebody must have manually caused the chemical reaction? Next, do you have to consciously control the chemical reactions in your body, such as the potassium and sodium reacting inside and around your cells? Sphere: Related Content
You like to use the argument that a creation implies a creator. If you see a watch, the watch must have had a creator. If you see a painting, the painting must have had a painter. Thus you claim, "The universe exists, so clearly there must be a God who created the universe."
So my question is: If you claim that argument to hold for the existence of God, then please explain to me why, logically, the "creator" must have been specifically the God described in the Christian Bible and not, for example, some other creator that we have no knowledge of, or something equally random like one of the Egyption gods?
Further, here are some things to consider: If two molecules in outer space randomly bump into each other and a chemical reaction takes place, do you feel somebody must have manually caused the chemical reaction? Next, do you have to consciously control the chemical reactions in your body, such as the potassium and sodium reacting inside and around your cells? Sphere: Related Content
Urgent warning to Rapture participants
This is an urgent warning to all Christians who wish to take part in the rapture!
I received a fax machine from God this morning with this dire warning. It turns out the process that will be used to lift the bodies of all good Christians away to heaven has a slight side effect. It turns out that it is VITALLY IMPORTANT that you DO NOT have any food in your body when the rapture occurs. You must make sure that prior to the rapture you have gone at least 12 hours without eating. Since the rapture could happen anytime now -- even while you're reading this or as soon as tomorrow, or it might not be for months or years, it is VITAL that all good Christians STOP EATING immediately.
The consequences of having food in your body are SEVERE. If there is any food in your stomach or intestines, said food will explode and your body will be ripped to shreds, and you will not complete your trip to Heaven. If you care about your eternal salvation, then, you will abide by this warning. PLEASE! Stop eating now and do not consume ANY food from now until the Rapture.
Below is the official press release. This was written by the PR firm in Heaven.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -- HEAVEN --
THE GREAT HOLY GOD HAS JUST BEEN INFORMED BY THE MAKERS OF THE "RAPTURE 2000 HUMAN TRANSPORT AND SUCKING VEHICLE" THAT THE OCCUPANTS OF THE VEHICLE MUST NOT HAVE FOOD IN THEIR STOMACH. TESTING PERFORMED BY THE HOLY GOVERNMENT CONSUMER REGULATORY AGENCY HAVE CONFIRMED A PROBLEM WHEREBY THE HUMAN CONTAINING THE FOOD WILL BE DESTROYED AND UNABLE TO MAKE IT TO HEAVEN. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THEREFORE THAT ALL PARTIES INTERESTED IN BEING TRANSPORTED TO HEAVEN DURING THE RAPTURE MUST HAVE NO FOOD IN THEIR SYSTEM. PLEASE ABSTAIN FROM EATING FOR AT LEAST 12 HOURS PRIOR TO RAPTURE. DUE TO THIS PROBLEM, ALL CANDIDATES FOR RAPTURE WILL FIRST BE SCREENED FOR FOOD IN THEIR SYSTEM. ANY CANDIDATE FOUND WITH FOOD IN HIS OR HER SYSTEM WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO ENTER THE RAPTURE 2000 HUMAN TRANSPORT AND SUCKING VEHICLE AND WILL THEREFORE BE LEFT BEHIND. PLEASE NOTE FURTHER THAT BECAUSE OCCUPANTS PARTAKING IN THE RAPTURE WILL UNDERSTANDABLY BE QUITE HUNGRY UPON THEIR ARRIVAL TO HEAVEN, FREE DOMINOES PIZZA WILL BE AVAILABLE IN THE LOBBY OF HEAVEN IMMEDIATELY ADJACENT TO THE KIRK CAMERONtm PICTURE AND AUTOGRAPH BOOTH.
Sphere: Related Content
I received a fax machine from God this morning with this dire warning. It turns out the process that will be used to lift the bodies of all good Christians away to heaven has a slight side effect. It turns out that it is VITALLY IMPORTANT that you DO NOT have any food in your body when the rapture occurs. You must make sure that prior to the rapture you have gone at least 12 hours without eating. Since the rapture could happen anytime now -- even while you're reading this or as soon as tomorrow, or it might not be for months or years, it is VITAL that all good Christians STOP EATING immediately.
The consequences of having food in your body are SEVERE. If there is any food in your stomach or intestines, said food will explode and your body will be ripped to shreds, and you will not complete your trip to Heaven. If you care about your eternal salvation, then, you will abide by this warning. PLEASE! Stop eating now and do not consume ANY food from now until the Rapture.
Below is the official press release. This was written by the PR firm in Heaven.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -- HEAVEN --
THE GREAT HOLY GOD HAS JUST BEEN INFORMED BY THE MAKERS OF THE "RAPTURE 2000 HUMAN TRANSPORT AND SUCKING VEHICLE" THAT THE OCCUPANTS OF THE VEHICLE MUST NOT HAVE FOOD IN THEIR STOMACH. TESTING PERFORMED BY THE HOLY GOVERNMENT CONSUMER REGULATORY AGENCY HAVE CONFIRMED A PROBLEM WHEREBY THE HUMAN CONTAINING THE FOOD WILL BE DESTROYED AND UNABLE TO MAKE IT TO HEAVEN. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THEREFORE THAT ALL PARTIES INTERESTED IN BEING TRANSPORTED TO HEAVEN DURING THE RAPTURE MUST HAVE NO FOOD IN THEIR SYSTEM. PLEASE ABSTAIN FROM EATING FOR AT LEAST 12 HOURS PRIOR TO RAPTURE. DUE TO THIS PROBLEM, ALL CANDIDATES FOR RAPTURE WILL FIRST BE SCREENED FOR FOOD IN THEIR SYSTEM. ANY CANDIDATE FOUND WITH FOOD IN HIS OR HER SYSTEM WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO ENTER THE RAPTURE 2000 HUMAN TRANSPORT AND SUCKING VEHICLE AND WILL THEREFORE BE LEFT BEHIND. PLEASE NOTE FURTHER THAT BECAUSE OCCUPANTS PARTAKING IN THE RAPTURE WILL UNDERSTANDABLY BE QUITE HUNGRY UPON THEIR ARRIVAL TO HEAVEN, FREE DOMINOES PIZZA WILL BE AVAILABLE IN THE LOBBY OF HEAVEN IMMEDIATELY ADJACENT TO THE KIRK CAMERONtm PICTURE AND AUTOGRAPH BOOTH.
Sphere: Related Content
Christians and lies
I've noticed there are a lot of Christians who resort to flat-out lies to try to spread their message. If they truly believe in God and Jesus and the message that Jesus taught, how can they in good conscience use a LIE to try to convert people to their religion?
Here's what I'm specifically referring to. There are many stories like this floating around the internet. One talks about a young college student who puts an "atheist professor" in place during an argument over whether evil exists and whether God created evil. At the very end of the story is the line "That young man's name -- Albert Einstein."
The story never happened. It's made up. It's a lie. Somebody took time to fabricate this story, to carefully pen a lie. What was going through the author's mind when he or she wrote this? Were they consciously thinking, "I'm going to make up a lie and spread it try to convert people to my good religion." (Besides, the story indirectly implies that Einstein was a Christian, which he was NOT. He was of Jewish background.)
I've seen this in many places. I've seen it not just in reference to religion but in politics as well. Do people really believe they're being sincere if they have to resort to lies to spread their message to get people to buy into their religion? And what does that say about their religion?
One has to wonder what goes on in the offices of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum. When their backs are against the wall with some new scientific research, do they sit around trying to figure out how to bend it and twist it to make it look wrong? Do they have a team of people staying up late at night until one of them suddenly declares, "Aha! I got it! Here's how we can make it look like the research is flawed! And with the vast majority of Americans having no training in science, they'll easily buy into this totally made-up story!"
We also have examples in portraying people's characters. I've seen many Christians try to demonize non-believers, suggesting that we're trying to turn the world into an evil place where sex abuse and drugs are rampant, with children having sex with animals is commonplace and everybody does harmful illegal drugs. Again, they're spreading lies. Is that what their religion is all about?
Surely there are people who are preachers or bishops or priests or whatever who are aware of the deception yet doing nothing about it. (Remember, a lot of people high up in the Catholic Church consciously covered up the sexual abuse that was going on. Clearly there IS dishonesty taking place.)
If their message is so real and good, then why would they have to resort to lies? Sphere: Related Content
Here's what I'm specifically referring to. There are many stories like this floating around the internet. One talks about a young college student who puts an "atheist professor" in place during an argument over whether evil exists and whether God created evil. At the very end of the story is the line "That young man's name -- Albert Einstein."
The story never happened. It's made up. It's a lie. Somebody took time to fabricate this story, to carefully pen a lie. What was going through the author's mind when he or she wrote this? Were they consciously thinking, "I'm going to make up a lie and spread it try to convert people to my good religion." (Besides, the story indirectly implies that Einstein was a Christian, which he was NOT. He was of Jewish background.)
I've seen this in many places. I've seen it not just in reference to religion but in politics as well. Do people really believe they're being sincere if they have to resort to lies to spread their message to get people to buy into their religion? And what does that say about their religion?
One has to wonder what goes on in the offices of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum. When their backs are against the wall with some new scientific research, do they sit around trying to figure out how to bend it and twist it to make it look wrong? Do they have a team of people staying up late at night until one of them suddenly declares, "Aha! I got it! Here's how we can make it look like the research is flawed! And with the vast majority of Americans having no training in science, they'll easily buy into this totally made-up story!"
We also have examples in portraying people's characters. I've seen many Christians try to demonize non-believers, suggesting that we're trying to turn the world into an evil place where sex abuse and drugs are rampant, with children having sex with animals is commonplace and everybody does harmful illegal drugs. Again, they're spreading lies. Is that what their religion is all about?
Surely there are people who are preachers or bishops or priests or whatever who are aware of the deception yet doing nothing about it. (Remember, a lot of people high up in the Catholic Church consciously covered up the sexual abuse that was going on. Clearly there IS dishonesty taking place.)
If their message is so real and good, then why would they have to resort to lies? Sphere: Related Content
Worshipping God vs doing good deeds!
If this universe was indeed created by an all-knowing God that is greater than us in every way including morals and selflessness, why is he so bent on us worshipping him? To me, that's a pretty solid argument against the existence of God. Why should such a creator care whether we even believe in him? What difference does it make? Yet, when push comes to shove, "believing in Jesus" seems to be the absolute most important thing to a Christian, even more important than doing acts of good.
I saw a sign outside a church that said:
"Good without God is Zero"
Why? You mean if I spent my life working at a food bank, busting my butt to make sure the hungry get fed, but I don't accept Jesus as my personal savior, all that good, in fact, didn't come from God but rather Satan? That's pathetic. Sphere: Related Content
I saw a sign outside a church that said:
"Good without God is Zero"
Why? You mean if I spent my life working at a food bank, busting my butt to make sure the hungry get fed, but I don't accept Jesus as my personal savior, all that good, in fact, didn't come from God but rather Satan? That's pathetic. Sphere: Related Content
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